How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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