I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
