I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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