Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Do you remember whose house we're in?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
