I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
