Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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