It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
