I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
