He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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