I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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