apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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