I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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