i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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