I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
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