Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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