I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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