Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
