Too much gin, very little bucket
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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