Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
