The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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