we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
