im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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