Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
