Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
