Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
