I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
