i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
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