Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
