All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
