I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
