Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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