My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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