Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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