I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
