I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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