Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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