Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Two words: nipple clamps
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