Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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