i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
