That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
he shaved USA in his pubs
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I want to be your penis for a week.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
