we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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