She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
