i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I forget how to act sober
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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