One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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