my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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