im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
