My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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