Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Don't EVER smell your tampon
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
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