Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
