how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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