You're so nebulous sometimes
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
