why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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