I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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