When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
