And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
