All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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